While Easter sure is a joyous time, wow, what a tempting time as well. This morning, my mom presented me with a basket of candy - Reese's, Whoppers, M&M's, and other chocolaty, fatty, chewy, sticky treats. After church, my family and I went out to Easter brunch, where eggs benedict with cheesy grits and french toast smothered in maple syrup beckoned to me from all across the table. Finally, my dad made us dinner of grilled veggies and bleu cheese burgers with avocado. Oh, and did I mention we still had lots of the cake I made left on the counter, staring at me all freaking day?
Why must all celebrations revolve around food? Can't we just enjoy one another's company, without gorging ourselves? After each meal, every single person in my family complained about being too full, from eating too much food for their own comfort. Why do people do this to themselves? I can't say I'm immune to such a feeling - I have definitely overeaten before - but I hate the feeling of fullness so much that I restrain myself.
I was almost sick watching how much food everyone around me ate today. Somehow, even though I was presented with so much temptation, I managed to get through the day only eating about 8-9 bites of food. Small bites, at that - I felt disgusting eating anything bigger than the size of a fingernail at once.
I'm simultaneously proud and scared.
Proud at my willpower in the face of such gluttony. Scared at the hold my hang-ups about eating have taken over me. But, at the same time, it's comforting - that thing, that ED that has a hold of me, it's not strangling; it's hugging, rocking, soothing. I'm feeling so many contradictions and can't decide if they cancel each other out or just confuse me further. I don't even know if this makes any sense.
I suppose, for now, I am happy; I feel like I'm on the right path towards my skinny girl goal.
Happy Easter Sunday, loves. God bless.
|I'm walking the thin line between|
the opposite edges of my feelings.