Black Coffee

The tornado I talked about last night missed my house by 15-20 miles, so I'm safe, but a lot of other towns were destroyed :(  My heart goes out to those affected by this awful storm.

Today was the second day in a row I drank my coffee black. I used to put in fat free creamer and Splenda. About six months ago, I weened myself off the sweetener, and over the past week I have used less and less cream until I used none. Finally, I can drink coffee with no calories!

While looking through my room for a missing article of clothing, I found a pair of summer pants I loved to wear in high school. I tried them on. I couldn't button them. When I can fit into them again, I know I'll be skinny enough. I'm thinking just 10 pounds down and they'll look good!

I've added a couple tabs to the top of my page - I'll keep track of my weight and food intake on a separate tab, and I also put in a tab of the eating rules I follow. Let me know what you think!

xoxo Cara

Rachel Zoe - my fashion & body icon

Tornadoes

Woohoo, a huge tornado is moving straight towards my area. Neat-o. Good thing I have a basement.

In good news, despite my erratic eating this past week, I haven't gained any weight. Now, hopefully I can start losing soon. No more bad eating days, no more missed workouts.

Wishing you all good weather.

xoxo Cara

Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore...

'Totes the best hun-cal fro-yo.

I don't know about you all, but I love sketch comedy. I love stand-up comedians and silly YouTube videos. This video, part of a series where the gender roles of the characters are hilariously reversed, particularly makes me laugh:

While it's certainly amusing to watch men parody female stereotypes, this sketch also says a lot about the way many women view eating. Even if not classified as "eating disordered," a lot of women worry about what they eat, how much they eat, and how they look in comparison to their friends. Notice that none of them want to eat alone - they all want to share something so that they are all partaking in the same weight gain caloric intake. They even ask about the others' eating history to make sure they haven't eaten more than their besties. All while watching a show about extreme weight loss, "The Biggest Loser."

Aside from that serious social message I just rambled on about, I think my favorite line has to be "How does she feel, and what is she thinking about how she feels?"
Or maybe "We're besties with testes." Hahaha.

Anyway. Today, I ate like a normal person. Well, not really like a normal person, since a normal person would not hate herself after every bite she swallowed. But, my intake was somewhere around that of a normal person (~1,500 calories, GROSS). I did run 3.25 miles, and hopefully my hardly eating anything yesterday will offset today somewhat.

I'll just keep running, running, running 'til I get where I want to be.

xoxo Cara

Abs like these? Yes, please!

Happy Easter!

First of all, Happy Easter to everyone who is celebrating! I hope everyone (celebrating or not) was able to spend quality time with family and close friends. Nothing can replace the happiness of being around loved ones :)

While Easter sure is a joyous time, wow, what a tempting time as well. This morning, my mom presented me with a basket of candy - Reese's, Whoppers, M&M's, and other chocolaty, fatty, chewy, sticky treats. After church, my family and I went out to Easter brunch, where eggs benedict with cheesy grits and french toast smothered in maple syrup beckoned to me from all across the table. Finally, my dad made us dinner of grilled veggies and bleu cheese burgers with avocado. Oh, and did I mention we still had lots of the cake I made left on the counter, staring at me all freaking day?

Why must all celebrations revolve around food? Can't we just enjoy one another's company, without gorging ourselves? After each meal, every single person in my family complained about being too full, from eating too much food for their own comfort. Why do people do this to themselves? I can't say I'm immune to such a feeling - I have definitely overeaten before - but I hate the feeling of fullness so much that I restrain myself.

I was almost sick watching how much food everyone around me ate today. Somehow, even though I was presented with so much temptation, I managed to get through the day only eating about 8-9 bites of food. Small bites, at that - I felt disgusting eating anything bigger than the size of a fingernail at once.
                     I'm simultaneously proud and scared.
Proud at my willpower in the face of such gluttony. Scared at the hold my hang-ups about eating have taken over me. But, at the same time, it's comforting - that thing, that ED that has a hold of me, it's not strangling; it's hugging, rocking, soothing. I'm feeling so many contradictions and can't decide if they cancel each other out or just confuse me further. I don't even know if this makes any sense.

I suppose, for now, I am happy; I feel like I'm on the right path towards my skinny girl goal.

Happy Easter Sunday, loves. God bless.

xoxo Cara

I'm walking the thin line between
the opposite edges of my feelings.

Quote of the Day

Me: "Stop pinching my arm fat!"
Boyfriend: "Silly girl, look, I can almost wrap my fingers all the way around."

What he meant: "Your arm is skinny. There is no fat to pinch."
What I heard: "...Almost. Almost means not quite skinny enough."

Dazzling, darling.

After I eat, I feel sick. I feel sick to my stomach, sick at myself, sick at the calories my body is absorbing. I feel anxious. I panic at the thought of my stomach expanding, my feelings of fullness. I feel weak. I feel weak of mind and spirit, weak from food weighing me down, making me lethargic.

I enjoy the feeling of hunger. Not the painful, stomach in a knot, I want to eat my hand I'm so hungry hunger. I enjoy the light growl in the tummy, the tunnel vision and lightheadedness when I stand up, the punch-drunk high on the addiction to nothing hunger.

I resent having to eat more because I'm around my parents. I resent them watching me eat, asking what I've eaten, commenting on the food still left on my plate. I didn't want that slice of the cake my mom asked me to bake, but I didn't want her to suspect anything if I refused to even taste the fruits of my labor.

My belly is full of food right now, and I'm freaking out. I don't like it. I can't handle it. I want it out out out. But I won't let myself throw up. It's not worth the damage to my body, not worth the risk of discovery.

I want to be a different person. Je voudrais être française, living in southern France on wine and teeny-tiny bites of cheese. I want to be an adult, not in this limbo of my parents' child transitioning to an independent woman. I don't want to hate myself for every little flaw I see.

Et alors, I must accept that which I cannot change, and have the will to change what I can. Or something.

xoxo Cara

Être maigre est être eblouissant,
sans effort.

Lost in my head

Do you ever feel jealous when one of your friends is on a diet? A girl I know told me the other day that she's doing that lemon juice/cayenne pepper/maple syrup cleanse, and I felt that green-eyed monster rear its ugly head. I don't know why. Maybe I'm afraid that she'll get skinnier than me, or have more control than me. For some reason, reading all of your diets and seeing your heights and weights doesn't have the same effect - I guess its the anonymity. I like expressing myself anonymously (as I assume the rest of you bloggers do, too), and I like receiving anonymous, non-competitive support.

Also, I can't understand how she just casually mentioned that she's been deliberately starving herself. I would die before saying that out loud. 


A similar situation happened to me in high school. My best friend realized I wasn't really eating, so she decided not to eat, either. I hated sharing that with her. Not eating was my thing. I suppose I was fighting for my individuality, but...

...by trying to make ourselves perfect, aren't we all? 

We want to be perfect, but we want perfection to be our thing. 

To be the only one people think of 

when they hear words like "skinny" and "beautiful."

Anyway. Random Cara thought for the day.

Today, I got 10 stars!  9 more days to go, 90 more stars to earn. I did an hour of yoga instead of going to the gym, and I rediscovered how much I love yoga. It's a workout, and it's calming, and it works every single muscle in your body. Plus, what's better than a taught, slim yogi body?

What are y'alls favorite workouts? Mine are definitely yoga and running.

I'm home for Easter weekend, and I'm a bit worried about the food situation. I'm going to have to only eat in front of my family so that they think I'm eating normally. And probably lie. A lot.

                   I hate lying.

                               but I need to be thin.

xoxo Cara

"Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, 
but when there is nothing left to take away." --Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

GLEE GLEE GLEE!!! Whee!

Tonight, there's a new episode of Glee!! I'm so excited. Watching it makes me wish I could sing. In fact, if I had a genie grant me one wish, I would wish for a beautiful singing voice. (Or world peace...?) What would you wish for, if you had one wish? I would say losing weight would be a close contender, but I can control that with diet and exercise. My singing voice, on the other hand, is genetically doomed (thanks, Mom and Dad), no matter what I do.

I'm currently watching The Biggest Loser as Glee records (I told my roommate I'd wait for her to get home to watch it). I can't believe how these people let themselves get as fat as they once were. It's also amazing to see how much weight they've all lost so far. Are there any other shows about weight loss and/or eating disorders that y'all like to watch? For some reason, I really enjoy watching them! If a 400+ pound person can lose enough weight to look good, then so can I!

Starting with my diet for tomorrow:

Breakfast:  fat-free yogurt (100) + green tea (0) = 100

Lunch:  1 cup spinach (10) + 5 sprays salad dressing (5) + 1/2 cup steamed broccoli (15) + 1/2 small tomato (8) + fat free cottage cheese (70) = 108

Dinner:  1 whole-wheat tortilla (110) + 1 tbsp whipped cream cheese (35) + 1/4 cup chopped cucumber (5) + 1/8 cup spinach (2) + 1/2 small tomato (8) + 1 oz turkey (25) = 185

Snacks:  1/2 medium apple (60) + sugar free hard candy (6) = 66

Total:  459 calories, 0 servings sweets, 2 servings dairy, 1/3 serving meat, 4 servings veggies, 1/2 serving fruit, 1 serving grains

And exercise plan:

40 minutes elliptical + 20 minutes running = 60 minutes cardio

200 crunches throughout the day

Wish me luck! I've gotta get bikini body ready, stat!

I'll let you know tomorrow how I did.

Enjoy your nights, loves.

xoxo Cara

Me, in a bikini (one day...)

Debauchery

This past weekend, I was at a music festival and probably drank my body weight in liquor. Not the best idea, calorie-wise. So, fresh start! I'm re-starting my 10 day star diet, because I want to do 10 days in a row. I've also decided I'm not going to drink for those 10 days to give my liver a rest (and because, with only 500 cal/day, I really don't have room for anything "extra" like alcohol).

Since I've been in party mode for the majority of the past few days, I also need to catch up on all of your blogs. I'll comment soon, and update y'all on my progress ... promise :)

xoxo Cara

Home is whenever I'm with you